Why do we feel bad for some people cut off from bio-parents but not others?

Three people stand before you. One had a biological parent die before they were born. A second had a biological parent abscond before they were born. A third was conceived using an anonymous donor.

Recently, in a Facebook forum, a donor-conceived person asked why we acknowledge loss and feel empathy in the first two scenarios but seldom in the last.

In each case, the child grows up not knowing one biological parent. In none of the cases was it the result of anything the child did — just their inherited reality. Why do we tend to feel more empathy towards the first two?

People in the Facebook group started to hash this out.

The children may grow up with one parent, two parents or even more. But the empathy, or lack thereof is not in response to the number of active parents.

The children in question may have had good or bad upbringings. But again, the quality of parenting is not at issue. That's not what's calling forth the empathy. It's the absence of a biological parent, a person who in all the cases had never been present for the child.

Maybe it's because, in the first two instances, the biological parent had been there, at least temporarily, for the other parent.

Maybe it's because it was planned by the intended parents to be this way: an uninvolved donor and an involved parent or parents.

But for the child, many donor-conceived people argued — though, notably, not all — it can feel the same.

Below, I juxtapose key sentiments.

three minute read

it's not the same thing

there is an emotional difference

walking away from a child is not like walking away from an egg or a sperm

eggs and sperm aren't people

eggs and sperm are bodily fluids

why would a person be broken up over bodily fluids?

*

a gamete donor is not a parent

genetic ties are not parental ties

the donor didn't birth them, breastfeed them, cuddle them, soothe them, guide them, love them

the loss of a donor is not the same as the loss of a mother

suggesting that the loss of a donor is like the loss of a parent is insulting

the loss is not the same

there is no loss

*

nothing horrible was done to them

creating life is the greatest gift

a donor-conceived person would not exist without the donation

the recipient parent brought them into the world

be grateful

stop whinging

get over it

move on

life is tough

lots of teens are angry at their biological parents

don't be angry

the recipient parent didn't choose to be infertile

the recipient parent didn't choose to be gay

yes, donor-conceived people deserve to know their biological origins

but

the donor chose to donate, not be a parent

respect the donor's choice

there was a contract

I was not an accident

I was wanted

I was planned for

I had no father growing up, so never lost one

I am not an orphan

don’t treat me like an orphan

I don’t need your empathy

I am grateful to my mother for making me happen

all human beings are created from bodily fluid

we are not bodily fluid

I am more than just a bag of bodily fluid

genetically, we derive from two people

separation from a biological parent is separation from a biological parent

separation from a biological parent is separation

*

some people never mourn biological parents they never knew

some do

this is about the ones who do

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donor-conceived people aren't asking for pity

we are asking for empathy

any child who is missing a biological parent deserves empathy

we are asking for the same empathy that you have for others

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is it better that it wasn't an accident?

is it better that it wasn't a mistake?

is it better that it wasn't careless or mean-spirited?

is it better that it was on purpose?

intentional?

there was an intent to create a child

when a person provides gametes, is their intention not to create a child?

their intention was to not parent

the vendor didn't want to parent

the vendor didn't want to be known

the vendor didn't want to know

the intention was to sever the genetic connection

it is what was intended

does intentional make it better?

or worse

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if we try to explain, we are "negative"

or we have "had a bad experience"

or we "are trying to shut down all the happy donor-conceived people"

or we "are angry"

or we "need therapy"

only angry donor-conceived people who need therapy think this way

*

are you saying there is something wrong with us?

or is it the situation

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empathy for the donor-conceived person costs more

empathy for the donor-conceived person means acknowledging

empathy for the donor-conceived person means acknowledging the impact on your child

it means acknowledging the decisions you've made

is that what's "different"?

*

we are raised separately from our biological parent

we don't know our biological parent

maybe we never find them

maybe they want nothing to do with us

they are our biological parent even if they don't want to be

even if they ignore us

even if they tell us to stop contacting them

does this make us less deserving of empathy?

we should have the same space held for us to grieve

why is growing up not knowing your biological parent a tragedy in one situation and perfectly fine in another

when it hurts the same way?

Related links

Alison Motluk. "Switched before birth." CMAJ News. 2016.

Lindsay Jones. "The lives of others." The Atavist. 2021.