Did someone steal our embryo? And other mysteries families should not have to solve
A friend asks nosy questions. A daughter remembers a snippet of a long-ago conversation. Old secrets spill out. But "just telling" isn't as easy as it sounds.
Six weeks ago, a woman in her twenties learned that she and her sisters were created through IVF and that she was connected to another person through her paternal line. It's still not entirely clear how that came to be.
In this Q&A, the young woman and her mother tell me about what they know, what they still need to find out, and what troubles them about what comes next.
11 minute read
So there are three kids in your family — you and your younger twin sisters — and you were all conceived using IVF, right?
Daughter: Well, we thought there were three until a week ago! But, yeah, basically I was created through IVF when my mom was 40. No donor anything. Then my parents tried to have kids again when she was 47, and that's when they had the twins.
Mother: We had the twins with a donor, because my eggs were old.
Daughter: And we were supposed to all never know that there was a donor involved. I just found out six weeks ago. No one knows. The family doesn't know. Only my dad and my mom and the doctor.
Did you ever suspect?
Daughter: What's so funny and crazy is that I have throughout my life remembered this vague conversation — not even a conversation, just something I overheard in the hallway when I was six years old. So I think I knew subconsciously.
Then six weeks ago, I was like, 'Mom, there's some weird thing I remember from a very long time ago. And I know it's not true. But the twins were —' And she's like, 'Yeah, that's true.'
Oh! So you just brought it up out of the blue?
Daughter: Well, I was telling my friend about my crazy family life, and she was like 'Your mom got pregnant with twins at 47? So did you guys do IVF?' And I've asked my mom throughout the years if she did IVF with me or with the twins and she was like, 'No, no, no, no.'
You didn't even know about the IVF?
Daughter: She was like, 'No, it was fertility treatment.' But my friend is the one who kind of started raising questions and trying to put the pieces together. I didn't really think to question it.
Mother: I was feeling pressured with all those questions from her friend. And then that night when she said, you know, 'I kind of remember once I was in the hall, and I heard you talking about something...' I finally said, yes, it was true, the twins were conceived with another egg.
What did you think when you heard that?
Daughter: I was shocked. I was just shocked. I was a little bit upset that we didn't know. And then later a little bit more upset and frustrated. I had to rethink my entire life.
What was it like to tell after all this time?
Mother: It was... it was... I don't even know what it was. I felt regret, that I shouldn't have, because she's dealing with so many other things right now. So it was regret. I wish I had been more... you know...
Daughter: Discerning?
Mother: Discerning, thank you, yes. It probably wasn't the best time. However, it's done. So what can you do.
Daughter: My friend said to me 'You really need to do Ancestry.' I already did a 23andme test last year, so I kept telling her I've already done genetic testing, and my mom has too. I know my origins. But when this came up, I overnighted the Ancestry kit to the house. I know I can't trust my dad. I haven't spoken to him in seven years. And I felt a little bit like I couldn't trust what my mom was telling me either.
So I did the Ancestry kit. And six weeks later — so about a week ago — the results come back. And at first, I'm just seeing my two paternal aunts come up, and I'm like, okay, you know, 25 percent DNA, that totally lines up. But there's this person above the aunts, higher up on the shared percentage of DNA. And I said, 'Mom, who is this? Do you know someone with this name?' And she's like, 'No, never heard of them before.'
I'm immediately researching all the DNA percentages and everything, and there are a couple of different options, but because their age range was narrowed down to 18 to 29, I'm thinking, it's not a grandma, it's not a grandchild. I'm pretty sure it's a half-sibling.
So I message this person: 'I see we're related. Not sure how. Would be interested in connecting if you're interested.' Just a very basic message. And I pretty quickly get a response back. Same day, I think. The person's like 'I am also super interested.'
How did you think you were connected?
I could see the person was related to my paternal aunts. I asked 'How much percentage of DNA do you share with these people?' I didn't say 'my paternal aunts,' but that's who I was asking about. And it was the exact same percentage that I share with those aunts.
So then you knew the connection was through your dad.
And at first I'm thinking Dad had an affair somewhere out there. So I asked 'Where were you born?' The place they were born is a place we used to live.
But then the person says they were conceived with two donors, sperm and egg. And I don't think they know at this point that I'm not donor-conceived. They say 'I don't know my biological parents. Do you know your parents? Do you have any siblings?'
And I'm like, whoa, this is crazy. Do I know my father? Yeah, I know him! And the person tells me 'The only thing I know is that on the paperwork, it says he loves the outdoors, especially hiking and camping.' And I'm like, oh, yeah, that's him.
Then my mom and I were putting together that the place this person was born is the place where my parents did IVF for the twins. So then it switches to where, you know, maybe this is not an affair.
So at that point, what was your leading theory?
Daughter: I'm thinking that my dad donated sperm. Maybe to pay for their IVF. He is very much the type of guy who wants to save money, anything for free, reduced price, whatever. But then I'm putting together the pieces. This person is 17. Both of my parents are older parents. He would have been 50 when he did IVF.
Yeah, sperm donors usually have to be under 40.
Daughter: Exactly. So not a sperm donor.
Unless he had somehow donated earlier. How old was he when your parents conceived you? Because that was IVF too, right?
Daughter: 43. And in a different city.
Hmm.
Daughter: So I'm like, what could this be? And that was when I started to communicate with someone in a Facebook group who knows a lot about this world. She told us to get the records.
I said, 'Mom, you need to get the paperwork.' But they've been giving her the runaround. She called the clinic, and they sent her to another clinic. The other clinic says, 'Yes, we'll send them over. Just fill out the medical release, email it to me, and I'll send you them back. We have you down as a patient.' My mom fills out the medical release, sends it to them, and gets a message back saying, 'Actually, looks like you were a patient back when the two doctors worked together. And since then, the doctors have split. The other clinic will have your records. We don't. But I just called the other clinic and they destroyed the records in 2016. So if you have any further questions, call them, not us.' But they verified at first that they did have the record.
That's interesting.
Daughter: Yeah. And this woman that I was messaging, she said it had to be an embryo donation. I'm doing the math. This half-sibling is 20 months younger than the twins. So all signs are pointing toward an embryo donation at this point.
Let me ask your mom. So when you went to that clinic to create the twins, how many embryos did you get?
Mother: I honestly don't remember. But we did IVF two times, I think, before it took.
So one question is whether there were any embryos left. And if there were, what happened to them. Do you have any recollection of what you told the clinic about what you wanted to be done with any leftover embryos?
Mother: No. But I feel like I would have remembered if they said we're going to save the embryos or use them or donate them. That would have hit me.
Daughter: You wouldn't have wanted that.
Mother: No.
Daughter: Could my dad have donated embryos behind my mom's back? Could he have just had a stack of papers and just had her sign it? In his head, maybe he justified it, like 'It's not even her genetic material. Here, sign on the dotted line.' She would have signed it.
Mother: I trusted him, and I should never have.
I don't think that could happen. Maybe I'm wrong, but I don't think so.
Daughter: I did ask this past time, when I texted with my, I guess half-sibling, 'Do you know if you were conceived via a donor embryo? And not just sperm and egg?' And I haven't heard back yet.
Obviously, if the twins match as full siblings to this person, then you can be pretty sure this person came from one of your embryos.
Mother: Yes, full sibling means embryo.
And if the twins are half-siblings to this person through the same father, then somehow your dad's sperm was used, either with or without his consent.
Daughter: Yes.
And I guess if the twins aren't related at all to this person, then there could have been a mixup of embryos.
Daughter: That was another thought.
Do your sisters look like your father?
Daughter: I mean, yeah, I guess. It's one of those things where I'm trying to look at things objectively, and I don't feel like I can.
Yeah. So at this point the twins don't know anything about any of this.
Daughter: No.
Mother: Everyone says, 'Tell them. Just tell them. They have to know.'
Daughter: And it's not that easy.
Mother: People don't know the whole story.
Daughter: They are 19. There is no parental support from that end. And they're in the middle of being really awfully treated by our dad.
Wait, so are they living with him?
Mother: They were.
Daughter: One of them is moving out at the end of this month. The other one moved out last year, and just started a new job. So she's on her own now, but one's still living with him.
Mother: One of the twins is more stable than the other twin, who has a disability. And she is emotionally... She's struggling, I would say. So I'm concerned about her.
Daughter: She's getting kicked out by him and his girlfriend.
So the twins know nothing. They don't know they were conceived using an egg donor and they don't know there's this person on Ancestry who is related to you and might be related to them.
Daughter: Nothing.
What do you think you will do?
Daughter: We're going to figure out when we can go see them in person. They live two and a half hours apart from each other, so it's hard in that sense too. Then there's, do you tell them everything at the same time? 'There's another sibling, and this might be a half sibling, or it might be a full sibling.' 'Here, do you want to do an Ancestry test?' 'Oh, yeah. You might have a biological mom out there.'
Mother: They may already know. For all I know, their dad could have spit out 'Hey, by the way, she's not even your mother!' during the divorce. It was ugly.
Daughter: But if this really was a secret that you guys vowed to never speak of again, and your family didn't know... I don't know that he would do that.
They've never mentioned any suspicions?
Daughter: No. I mean, that doesn't surprise me, because I think you're born into a reality and why would you question it? You'd have to have a reason. One of the twins has dyslexia and my mom has dyslexia, my aunt on my maternal side has dyslexia. If anything, my sister knows dyslexia runs on my mom's side of the family, and she has it too. So clues like that make me think they don't know.
You're in the middle of all this right now as we speak. I wonder how both of you are feeling.
Mother: Well, I feel a little scared that when the twins find out they won't look at me as their mother. I feel regretful that we didn't just tell them from the very beginning. But back then I think it wasn't... I was worried my family wouldn't be accepting of it. He was worried his family wouldn't be accepting of it. I don't know. I'm not sure why we were so afraid. But we're like, yeah, why tell?
Daughter: I'm feeling concerned about how the twins will take this information. There's just a lot of big bombs at once. I don't want to add more harm to their life at a time when they're barely graduated, you know? They're not well rooted yet at all.
I'm also concerned about this half-sibling. That they are going to want to have a relationship with my dad or even just want to ask me questions about him. How much do I tell them?
I feel so bad. When I asked them 'So what do you like to do for fun?' they told me 'Oh, I love the outdoors.' They might think 'Oh my gosh! She lives with him! This is her dad! I can join this family!' So I don't know what this person is expecting out of our connection.
Mother: And it's not just that she hasn't talked to her dad. We went to graduation for each one of the twins. And last year, the family would not even come up and say hello.
Daughter: It was just really devastating, that whole entire thing.
Mother: Being rejected like that.
Daughter: Even my aunts, the ones that I matched with on Ancestry, I waved at one of them and she looked at me like I was an alien. It's definitely more than me just not talking to him for seven years. I got all my baby pictures sent back to me. No note, no anything. Sending presents to the twins when they're here for Christmas, and nothing for me. It's been deliberate.
So now I'm concerned that this person says, 'Oh, I love the outdoors, too.' Which is just so sweet. It's so cute that they're even relating on that level, thinking there could be this connection. What do I say? What I for sure would say is that I haven't spoken to him in a while, and he is not, you know, the most upstanding guy.
It's like you hold all this information suddenly, but it's not clear how you should be going about sharing it.
Daughter: With my sisters, my mom is not putting it on me. She says she'll be the one that tells them.
Mother: Really, I feel like it's my responsibility now.
Daughter: But you told me, so now it also becomes my responsibility. And that's actually a big concern of mine. Now I'm in the position where I know this information and the twins don't know.
Some donor-conceived people have told me 'They're going to be resentful of you if you don't tell them soon.' Or 'I was lied to and my sister made it seem like she didn't know for however long and then I was angry at her.'
I didn't ask to receive this information at this time. Now the clock's ticking on me. How long until the clock runs out on me? And then they're upset at both of us?
This interview has been edited and condensed.