A married couple reflects on how they each helped others build families

A husband donated sperm to one set of friends. A wife did a traditional surrogacy for another. They reflect, two decades later, on how it went.

After their daughter was born, David and Heather felt their family was complete. When she was three years old, they decided to help out their friends.

11 minute read

Let's start with David. You donated sperm to a same-sex couple you knew.

David: Part of the motivating factor to donate was that I was getting a vasectomy. I don't think it was like a lightning strike. It was just, you know, as we're driving along or having a discussion, I was thinking, is there anything I need to do before I do this? It was sort of like checking you've got your car keys. Like, have I done everything that I can do, that I should do, before I turn the whole thing off?

Heather: You were being a good neighbour.

David: We'd had our daughter three years earlier. When you're a new parent, you start looking at your friends and thinking, 'Oh, they'd make great parents.'

Heather: We probably have more gay people in our lives than most straight couples would. We're both from the theatre. And David's mom came out when he was a teenager. His moms are gay. So, after we talked about it and decided it was something we wanted to do, we had a conversation with a lesbian couple that we knew.

You approached them?

David: We asked them.

Heather: And they said, 'No, we're not going that route. But thank you for the offer.' And then it just happened that our other friends, V and C, kind of just brought it up. They had been visiting and were going out the door. And they mentioned how they'd just gone to the sperm bank, and had done a couple of rounds that hadn't taken. And they were going to approach C's brother. And we said something like, 'What about us?'

How did they react?

David: I seem to remember that it was, 'Really? Are you sure?' They said they'd think about it. And a few weeks later they called us back and said, 'If you were serious about this, then yes.'

What did you feel you had to negotiate up front?

David: We were quite good friends. So there weren't really concerns about legality, or any of those kinds of questions. But I wanted to make sure that we were on the same page in terms of parenting.

Heather: That David would have no financial or parental responsibility.

David: But also that I was not in some way suggesting I wanted to raise this kid or be involved. The flip side was that I wanted to make sure that there would be some provision somewhere at the end of their will, so that in the case of disaster, I'm there as a last-ditch guardian.

Heather: Before the child could end up in the foster care system.

David: Put me on the list, but at the bottom of the list.

Oh, interesting.

David: So we had a conversation or two, probably just on the phone, where we sort of danced around those little things and made sure we were on the same page. And we were.

So how did it work?

Heather: They came out to our house. It didn't happen immediately. I think it was four tries.

David: I only remember two.

Heather: Maybe it was two. It took four months. They were monitoring her ovulation, and then she would basically call and say, 'I think we're good to go. Can we come by in the next day or two?' And they did.

David: And we did the really low-tech solution, and that was it.

You were all completely comfortable with it?

David: Other than the novelty and weirdness of the thing. But it wasn't a discomfort. V and I would both giggle, and I think C felt weird because she was just sitting off to the side, kind of.

So at what point did you feel you could go ahead and get the vasectomy? When the child was born?

David: I think I might have waited till just past the first trimester.

Oh! But everything went well and a child was born.

David: Yes, RW, my son, was born on the same day that our daughter was born — four years apart to the day.

What was it like for you?

David: We weren't a part of the birth process or anything. We were not invited, and didn't ask to be invited. I think they let us know that she was going into labour. We knew it was happening. We had been close friends, but the kinds of close friends who really only see each other once or twice a year.

I heard you use the words 'my son'...

David: I always struggle with the terminology. Not an emotional struggle, but just trying to find the appropriate phrase, knowing that saying 'my son' has a connotation to it, that for most people is interpreted in a different way than I actually mean it. Sometimes people ask me, like, how many kids do you have?

What do you say?

David: It sort of depends on the situation. Sometimes jokingly, I go, 'Well, sort of one and a half? Two? Sort of three? One who lives with me.' Or, if I don't want to get into it at all, I'll just say 'One.'

And what do you say, Heather? You gave birth twice...

David: (to Heather) How many kids do you have?

Heather: I have one and a half.

One and a half!

David: But you know that's going to lead to a follow-up.

Heather: It always ends up with a follow-up question.

Do you ever just say 'One'?

Heather: Um.... No, I think... I think I acknowledge ML in that. And yet... she's not my daughter.

How do you describe her?

Heather: My half-daughter?

David: Would you? I've heard you call her 'my daughter.'

Heather: 'My other daughter'? 'The daughter for whom I was a surrogate'? 'My second daughter'?

So let's talk about that. You were a surrogate for a gay couple.

Heather: I had gone to university with one of the guys, M. I had done theatre with him. But I had never met his husband. We wound up at a Christmas/Hanukkah party — a Hanumas party — at V's when V was four months pregnant. She actually announced at that party that she was pregnant.

David: Right, right, right. Was I identified?

Heather: No, you weren't. She didn't out you as the donor.

Oh, so the woman David donated sperm to was having this party.

Heather: Yes. So my friend M was there with his husband E and their daughter C. E and I started chatting. He's very gregarious, a lovely guy. We became fast friends. They talked about how they wanted to have more kids. And on the drive home that night, I blurted, 'I think I could have a baby for them.'

David: And it just came out of nowhere from my perspective.

Heather: And immediately, when I said that, you told me, 'No, I don't think you could do that.'

David: I thought that would be a very difficult thing for you to do emotionally.

Heather: And I said, 'No, I think I can do it.' It was truly one of those light bulb moments of feeling the rightness about it. I think we sat on it for about a week, and then I reached out to M, and we started talking about it. That was January. I was pregnant by May.

And you weren't just a surrogate, you were also an egg donor.

Heather: That's right.

What did you discuss up front with them?

Heather: We talked about logistics. They had a previous surrogate who lived with them for the first three weeks after their older child was born.

Oh, wow. That's unusual.

Heather: Yeah. Then afterwards she would see them once a week. She hadn't had children herself before. One of the first things I tell people who are looking for a surrogate is make sure that she has already had children of her own. Just make sure, because you just can't know how it's going to affect you.

Yeah.

Heather: And we had monetary discussions. I told them I didn't need to be paid for it. I'm trying to do an altruistic thing. And both of them said, 'For 10 months, you're going to be doing something that you wouldn't have chosen to do.' As soon as money entered the conversation, it got weird. You're commoditizing what I think for most people is an altruistic thing. We didn't want to be that transactional. It was only after the fact, when I was talking to parents who had gone through surrogacy in the States, or with a surrogate overseas, and they were talking about, you know, $50,000 and I was like, 'What?' But at the same time, in retrospect, I feel like I kind of undercharged! But money makes things really weird. Particularly money with friends.

David: But they were very considerate throughout, very generous about checking in and making sure she got taken care of.

Heather: Yes, I was so emotionally supported by them — and everybody. The minute anybody finds out that you're a surrogate, you are beatified, like, turned into a saint. And that aspect of the surrogacy really messed with me.

Oh yeah?

Heather: Because you spend 10 months being told every single day that you're an amazing person. You're just an angel. How selfless you are. And then after the birth, the attention goes away. So it's like being a has-been rock star.

I didn't know how I'd react emotionally or physically after the birth. So I basically told the guys  'Don't check in on me. I don't want to know when her belly button falls off. Just give me some space.'

David: Yeah, you asked for space.

Heather: I asked for space, and they gave me space. And then, a week or two after the birth, I was wondering, 'Why aren't they calling me?' Because up until that point, particularly in the last trimester, communication is very regular. They're making sure I'm okay, asking if I need anything...

David: You had three or four weeks of daily communication.

Heather: I didn't mourn not being a mother a second time — I didn't. It was not ML whom I missed. It was my relationship with M and E. But now they had a baby. And she was a colicky baby, and they had to focus on her.

So, David, how did you feel while Heather was going through all this? Were you anxious?

David: Um, yeah... I think I had a low level anxiety, probably through the whole process. Our daughter's birth and Heather's pregnancy with her had some physical challenges along the way, so I was concerned that that might repeat. I was concerned for you, for sure.

Heather: Oh, and in the contract, remember?

David: Yeah, it was important for me to make sure that we had specified that if it ever came down to a decision between saving the baby and saving the mom, I needed it spelled out that we were saving the mom.

Hmm. Yes. And the birth? What was that like?

Heather: It was crowded. It was David, M and E, the midwife, the midwifery student. And then there was also the anesthesiologist, when I finally asked for the epidural. So at one point we had, like, a small town. Our birthing suite was known as 'where the surrogate is with the gay dads.' We were a bit of a circus.

What kind of relationship evolved between you and the child?

Heather: A year after ML was born, I received a beautiful bouquet of flowers. And I was thinking, 'Oh, David's early for Valentine's.' And I open up the card, and it's 'Thank you so much for the incredible gift that you gave us...' On the one hand, I felt like a terrible person, because it hadn't even occurred to me that it was her birthday. Because she wasn't with us. But on the other hand, and I told them this, I said, 'But I'm a fantastic surrogate, because that means I'm not invested emotionally, nor should I be, because you have this beautiful child.' Yes, I had a part in that, but she's not my daughter.

Except she is my daughter. Even saying that out loud... she kind of is my daughter.

What does she call you?

David: She identifies you as 'my birth mom,' right?

Heather: Yeah.

What does she call you when she talks to you?

David: Are you just 'Heather'? She doesn't call you 'Mom.' Does she?

Heather: No. She did call me 'Mom' when she was five. We went for a visit with them and she was experimenting with it. 'Mommy.' And I wasn't listening, because it was not the right voice calling my 'name.'

Are you close?

Heather: Even though we're not super close, we certainly went through a period where she would be stuck to my side if we were at an event. And through her teenage years, when most girls get a little more standoffish, we would still hug. But I still remember us having conversations, like, 'If you ever want to talk to me, I'm here for you. I'm not going to butt in, but whenever you want to reach out, I will be here.' Even, you know, if you need time away from your dads, I can be a place for you to go to. I'm not your parent, but I can be a place for you. But I haven't had the opportunity to truly get to know her, because that needs extended time.

David: Well, I think from ML's perspective, I think she considers you a special person in her life.

Heather: Yes, and... So I had this experience recently. A kind of visceral emotional response.

Her parents have divorced, and one of her fathers moved to Israel. She decided that would be a great experience for her, so she went too. It was her choice to go. I remember finding out that they were going, and I got nervous. Before she left, I didn't say anything, I was just like, 'Well, have a great time. I'm super excited for you.' Because it's not my place, not my place at all. I have no say.

And then after the conflict had happened, I was really scared. It surprised me how invested I was in the danger of the situation. She happened not to have been there for the attack, she was out of the country, but it was really interesting, that feeling, of worrying. It's not my place to be worried. That was the most surprising feeling for me.

Interesting.

David: Sadly, both couples that we were involved with have separated. But they continue to raise their kids together.

Does that affect you?

David: Both of those couples' difficulties gave us, I think, motivation to get slightly more involved. It's not our place to influence how it goes, but we know that there's the kid involved, and we have a connection to the kid who's involved, so we want to make sure that the kid's okay in this struggle as well. Yeah, we sort of just raised our attention a little bit.

Heather: They're adults now. RW's going to be 21. And ML is going to be 20.

David: It's shifted. But we still went to see RW at his last birthday, went out to dinner and had a really great conversation. The point of visiting, other than just having a nice visit, is to sort of reinforce, from my perspective, that I'm still here. Like you said, Heather — I don't want to step on anybody's toes, and I'm not trying to butt into your life. But if you ever feel that you wanted to reach out, here I am.

Heather: We'll always be here.

This interview has been edited and condensed.